Awake in Alignment

trigger warning: depression, panic, abuse, homocide/suicide (reference only), divorce

It's 4am.

Sleep has been fleeting.

The alignment in my body is waking me up.

Cramps so severe they remind me of 11 years old; they woke me up.

My mind & body aren't broken for the first time in two decades or more.

The sensations, they don't feel normal, and they are probably the most normal thing anyone feels.

I feel tired, I feel strong, I feel happy, I feel sad.

Everyday is a new experience, nothing feels the same as before.  

It's been over a year since I've seen anyone in my family.

This weekend I see them, I see the ones I choose to keep.

What will they think of how I look?

What will they think about how I am?

What will it feel like to hug them, my own flesh and blood?

This weekend is 11 years since I set the final ultimatum that put the divorce in motion 4 years later and put my life at risk 3 years later.

I am alive.

I am here and I am alive.

I did not die at the hands of another nor the hands of myself.

I am alive.

I am in alignment and that does not mean that it does not hurt.

The cramps are real.

The tears are real.

The tingling in my body and ligaments demonstrating that they are awake for the first time in over a decade of being frozen and living a lie.

No longer paralyzingly depressed or the opposing force of trying to fix everything in life, because the life at home was irreparably broken since inception.

I am alive and I am planning to go on a road trip that I've been planning for over 6 years.

Now I will do as I do for others and I will focus on my breath.

I've taken meds for the pain and the panic that ensued with not finding my pen and having these emotions.

Apple juice, mint tea, Gatorade, ibuprofen, Ativan.

10 minutes, I took it 10 minutes ago and now I am calm.

I will love on the puppies and hopefully fall back asleep.